Nurse Amputates Liberally, DC Elementary School.

Washington,DC- Nurse Martha was forced to amputate young Billie Mulligan's right leg today.

"He fell off the monkey bars at recess, and bruised his knee pretty badly. I knew it would take at least a week to heal, so I figured the best way to avoid the inevitable onset of gangrene would be to just chop it off. Plus I just got an excellent new scalpel that I wanted to try out."

Billie is the eleventh elementary school student to have a limb amputated this week by Nurse Martha. Teachers could not be more pleased.

"This has really helped me maintain control in the classroom," said Mrs. Wallis. "Whenever the kids get rowdy, I just threaten to send them to the Nurse! It works like a charm!"

Parents are also quite happy for the change. Mrs Mulligan stated, "Billie would just run around and around, wreaking havoc! Now that he has to hobble on one leg, he has calmed down considerably."

In other news, the sales of wooden legs has sky rocketed in our nation's capital, and a local band of Pirates has exceeded this term's quota for Cast-aways.