Girl Under Rock Verifies Ignorance Is Bliss

New York City - Anne Marie Gallagher of Astoria stated today that ignorance really is bliss. "I don't have to know everything, you know. I'm just one person."

Older sisters, Monica and Emily, severely harassed her earlier when she mentioned that she did not know the definition of "temp". A "Temp" is the slang for Temporary Assistant.

"Why do I need to know that?!" Gallagher exclaimed in defense.

Margaret Hamilton, Ms. Gallagher's front desk temp, was found crying in the woman's washroom a short while later. "I thought we had become friends," Hamilton sobbed. "I mean, I know I've only been here since 10am, but I really felt like we had a connection. But she doesn't know anything about me, does she?"

When questioned of the alleged friendship struck between Ms. Gallagher and Ms. Hamilton, Annie was quoted asking, "Who?"

Man Collapses in Shock at Temp's Lack of Knowledge

Washington, DC - Miami University law professor, Dr. Smug, collapsed from shock today when a temporary receptionist did not know the answer to his question.

"I was trying to redirect his call, but he just would not accept that I could not answer his question," stated the confused temp worker, Zoe Fischnaller. "It's only my third day here, and since I'm finished this gig on Friday, I didn't see the need to be able to answer every question posed."

Fischnaller's temp agency, The-Receptionist-Is-Sick Temps, Inc., was unavailable for comment.

After examining Dr. Smug, Doctors revealed his brain imploded in three places, from the shock.

Miami Law School Admin Department stated, "I'm sorry. I'm just a temp. I don't know who Dr. Smug is, but if you hold for a moment I can see if someone is back from their lunch break to help me direct this call." As it was already 3.30pm, this reporter did not have time to wait for the return of a more established source, and had to run the story.

Nurse Amputates Liberally, DC Elementary School.

Washington,DC- Nurse Martha was forced to amputate young Billie Mulligan's right leg today.

"He fell off the monkey bars at recess, and bruised his knee pretty badly. I knew it would take at least a week to heal, so I figured the best way to avoid the inevitable onset of gangrene would be to just chop it off. Plus I just got an excellent new scalpel that I wanted to try out."

Billie is the eleventh elementary school student to have a limb amputated this week by Nurse Martha. Teachers could not be more pleased.

"This has really helped me maintain control in the classroom," said Mrs. Wallis. "Whenever the kids get rowdy, I just threaten to send them to the Nurse! It works like a charm!"

Parents are also quite happy for the change. Mrs Mulligan stated, "Billie would just run around and around, wreaking havoc! Now that he has to hobble on one leg, he has calmed down considerably."

In other news, the sales of wooden legs has sky rocketed in our nation's capital, and a local band of Pirates has exceeded this term's quota for Cast-aways.

An Ode To Paper Cuts

You slice me when I fold the page
You mock me when I cry in rage
You rip my fingers right in two
I think I'm not too fond of you.